The Incident With the Big Toblerone


So . . . it’s that time of year again. You know what I mean. The BIG GIRL Toblerone bars are out for Valentine’s Day.

This candy bar is my personal kryptonite. Diet disaster of epic proportion. Temptation worthy of Jesus in the desert. My all-time favorite chocolate AT A BARGAIN PRICE.

I can’t lay off that. The truth is: I’m a weak, weak woman.

I spotted the big Toblerone the second I walked into Target like an eagle spying a bunny streaking across a grassy plain. I craved it instantly, with a knee-jerk longing that I’m convinced is encoded on my XX chromosome helix somewhere.

I NEED chocolate to be happy. I also need bubble baths, good books to read, and my children to hang up their wet towels.

When I approached the candy aisle with my red buggy (with the John Williams theme music to the movie “Jaws” streaming in my head), I’m sure I heard a faint hiss:

“Just let me ride in your buggy, lady. You know you want to.”

“Get behind me, Satan!” I yelled, loud enough to make other shoppers avert their eyes and scurry out of the aisle like teenagers fleeing a party when the cops arrive.

“I’m on sale,” the evil Toblerone continued persuasively, “You should at least take me home to your children. You’re a good mom. Think of the children. You could have a bite of me first, of course, and save the rest for them. It would be so thoughtful. You really are very unselfish.”

I resisted. At first.

“I know what you’re doing! You aren’t just a candy bar—you are TEN SERVINGS of candy bar that I could consume in the parking lot without taking a single water break! I might as well plaster you to my tummy right now! There aren’t enough spin classes in the world to work you off. I’m on to you,” I taunted my cocoa Satan.

That’s how it started this time. That’s how it always starts. It’s an old story for me.

In the buggy. In the car. In my mouth. On my hips. Regret. Remorse. New resolutions. But the story always ends the same delicious way: I’m always happy to talk about my new diet with you—preferably as we devour our “last” Toblerone.

Happy Valentine’s Day season to my fellow chocoholics!


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3 responses to “The Incident With the Big Toblerone

  1. Gale Main

    Good one! Melinda! Happy Valentine’s Day. Gale Main

  2. chris villa

    Oh how I feel your pain. Thanks for the laugh and the knowledge that at least someone understands how I love that triangular shaped chocolate heaven.

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